I will go back and write about everything that's happened since May, a lot, but really not that much. I'm still the same person, a tad more sober, with a hell of a lot less binges, but they do exist. A little on my personality disorder....

I am starting to see borderline as something separate from myself. It hangs beside me, next to me, and follows me around. It makes bad, rash decisions, even when my brain says otherwise. It creeps into my heart and grabs it and doesn't let go. I hate it. I hate borderline personality disorder. I realize that it is just a label, a page in the DSM-IV, that describes all the symptoms that haunt my life. It lingers in the shadows when I'm feeling good, and lurches forward when I'm not. It makes me feel inadequate as a human being, like people like me, who aren't whole, are not worthy to walk on this perfect earth, with the rest of the perfect beings, to feel love and to give love. Of course this world is tainted, and many live in worse misery but the borderline only allows me to think of myself. To see everyone else's lives as perfect but my own.
I hate borderline for making me drink myself into oblivion.
I hate borderline for making me act irrationally and follow my impulses.
I hate borderline for making me cut myself and have to cover the scars with tattoos.
I hate borderline for making me stay in an abusive relationship for four years that almost killed me and destroyed my chance at ever being able to love normally again.
I hate borderline for making me blame all my problems on my personality disorder....which may very well not even exist.