Hi Everybody. I'm sure you are reading this finally. My silent hell of a life. I have spent the night with my friend, deciding, making decisions, and I think I am finally done.

I am sick. My health is failing. I am mentally failing. I think I am done. I love being drunk more than anything in the world but I am not prepared to die. I will not let Paul kill me forever. So....please help me in any way you can. At the state I'm going I will not live to be 30.

I am done.

I am so done.

Anybody ever heard of Korsocov syndrom? Well it's a sad depressing state brought on by severe alcoholism. I obviously still eat so I'm not in danger but I have been noticing things about my brain lately.
I used to be ridiculously smart
My memory was so sharp
I had a vocabulary beyond anyone
I read multiple books at once
I was complicated, mysterious, and sought after

and now....I'm dull. I can't remember anything. I don't read anymore. I don't write anymore. The most I use my brain is at work which is a lot, but it's taxing and shouldn't be. I am slowly killing off brain cells. I hate it. I can't even articulate the pain that this causes me, the shame and the despair. I am an empty shell of a being that somehow manages to function, but honestly I don't even think I deserve to anymore. I am wasting what god has given me.

is it time?

Even though I have shown up to work hungover (still drunk sometimes) and not gotten a hell of a lot done, my boss still gives me a promotion and raise. It upsets me a bit, I feel like a kid who broke a window and someone else got blamed, but more so because of the potential I have to be something great, if I could just get sober.
Think of the possibilities, the amazing things I could do. And yet I'm stuck. Sooo stuck.

So, I finally agreed to go to an AA meeting with my mom on Sunday. Doesn't mean I'm done drinking, just going to check it out. See what happens. My mom wants me in Detox. Don't know how much that would help, except I am starting with the nausea and the tremors. And the cravings. In the mornings now.....we'll see how it goes.

I want oxy now. I took all my moms and I'm out, and I don't know how to get more. But I'm craving that too, the mild euphoria it brings, the feeling of having no feelings at all. A mild heroine if you will. Last time I took them, I had 6 pills. Scares me, that I want that. Because if someone were to offer me something stronger, could I say no? Probably not......

I haven't written for a while, mostly because i've gotten too drunk and passed out on my couch. Well, the weather is warming up and the snow is melting, the light now extends past 7:00 which makes me very happy. It's a strange feeling. It's strange because, instead of feeling, 'oh i'm happier now and therefore i don't need a drink', it somehow reaches my brain as 'oh i'm happy i have to celebrate with a drink'. Doesn't matter how or when, it all resorts back to drinking. I can't feel without it. Happy, sad, angry, stressed, it doesn't really matter as it all resorts back to the drink.

My stomach is bothering me. The size of it. Beer gut. So tonight I got vodka. At least vodka and soda and lime is relatively low calorie which helps with the whole stomach thing. Just gets me drunker.

Last night,
2 beers
2 glasses of vodka and lime
1 shot of some vanilla crap (came with the vodka)

And that was considered a good night.

Monday morning

I am just so tired this morning. I cried all the way to work. After about 8 beers last night I finally fell asleep around 2 am, and woke up at about 7:45. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am...just...so...tired.....

I'm supposed to drive downtown tonight to go to a club, and it's snowing, and my driving where alcohol is present is usually a bad idea. But maybe I can be good and have a time I actually remember....
Last time I went out with A, I fanagled my way into the VIP section and drank some guys champagn. This was after I was already pretty drunk out of my mind. Apparently I blacked out, went to a chinese restaurant, and everybody thought I was dead. Whatever. I woke up the next morning in my clothes, with my boots, purse and coat sprwled outside of my apartment covered in snow and the contents of my purse spilled down the steps. The door was wide open. I had no recollection of anything past a certain time. I was still drunk. It was horrible. I seriously felt like I had just played a game of russian roullette and had luckily gotten the empty chamber.
So we'll see how it goes tonight. I am a little nervous however....

Friday morning

Last night my favorite show (and new obsession) Criminal Minds was airing at 10 pm. After studying the bottle of remaining red wine about 5 times I decided there was no way it was going to last me until 11 pm, and embarked on a hike through a snow storm to get more. I picked up a bottle of white and downed the rest of the red by about 8:30, at which case I proceeding to pass out. I woke up at 9:35 in a frantic, afraid I had slept through my beloved CM, and when I realized I hadn't yet I promptly cracked open the bottle of white. By 11 pm, the bottle was gone and CMs was over. At 2:30 am I woke on the couch, had a glass of water and and dragged my drunk ass to bed.
Needless to say, this morning as I procrastinate doing any work at all, I am reflecting on last night's episode and what happened to Reid, only to realize that I really don't remember any of it. Who was the unsup again? Why did they do it? What happened to Reid? Normally, I wouldn't care because I could download it and watch again, but seeing as my computer has crashed, I am extremely distressed about this. How dare I get innebriated enough to not remember the last episode before a 6 week hiatus of my favorite show? I should probably be more worried that my head is fuzzy at work and I am getting nothing done, and yet this is like an all consumming anxiety. That and the fact that I'm out of wine again, it looks like the weather will prevent me from going to a club tonight, I took all of the oxycontin pills, and I despretely need more booze for tonight. And I have got to take my laptop in to get fixed so that I can continue this once I'm home....damn I wish I could remember Criminal Minds......

The past continued....

So let's see....to make a long story short, I acquired my dog from my ex and moved back to Waterloo. Things were not that bad for a while except for binge drinking on the weekends and partying too much with my roommates, but then my dad passed away. I quit my job and started drinking every night. Especially beer. I did manage to finally graduate from University, get a great job in Toronto (not too sure how I fangled that one), and an apartment, win the Honours Thesis Award, and move here. Things were looking up. But somehow, because stress, boredom or the fact that I'm addicted, I've dug myself into another hole where I drink everynight and it affects everything I do. I know now that I cannot keep going down this path forever.