My name is Jenny. I am 26 years old and I live in Toronto, Canada. I am starting this blog because I've decided that by writing out my drinking experiences and feelings, they may become more real to me and motivate me to seek help, while reaching out to others in the same prediciment. I have been drinking for about 10 years. Heavily for about 5. I call myself high functioning because I have a good job, an apartment, a dog and a cat who I take well care of, and very supportive friends and family. (Although I have lost friends because of my drinking.) There is a world of me beyond heavy partying, a sad and lonely world that not many people see, where the bottle is my best friend and the only thing that keeps me sane. This blog will be a glimps into that world, what it's like for someone who has a problem and yet has to function in the normal world and pretend they don't. I will write when I am sober, hungover and drinking. I will write when I am happy, sad and numb. Welcome to my hell.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Anybody ever heard of Korsocov syndrom? Well it's a sad depressing state brought on by severe alcoholism. I obviously still eat so I'm not in danger but I have been noticing things about my brain lately.
I used to be ridiculously smart
My memory was so sharp
I had a vocabulary beyond anyone
I read multiple books at once
I was complicated, mysterious, and sought after

and now....I'm dull. I can't remember anything. I don't read anymore. I don't write anymore. The most I use my brain is at work which is a lot, but it's taxing and shouldn't be. I am slowly killing off brain cells. I hate it. I can't even articulate the pain that this causes me, the shame and the despair. I am an empty shell of a being that somehow manages to function, but honestly I don't even think I deserve to anymore. I am wasting what god has given me.
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